What is your biggest fear? I'm sure you have been asked that question some point in your life. What is your answer? Sure it's something different for everyone but mine pretty much consumes a portion of every day of my life. I'm going to make myself a little bit vulnerable here and tell you what my biggest fear is and the reason is, I'm hoping, that by making it known or putting it out there, saying it aloud, will free me from it's hold on me. Ok, here goes nothing...I feel like Tom Cruis in Jerry McGuire when he writes his mission statement, sending a copy to everyone he works with and then immediately regrets it after it's too late...oh well, anyway... I seriously think about the end of the world at some point of every single day.
I wish I knew why it haunts me so much. I mean, I can tell you without a single doubt in my mind that I will be living for eternity up in heaven with the rest of my fellow believers. I know God has a plan for me and I trust that he has set aside a place for me up there. It's called faith and I've got it. What I don't know and neither do the rest of us, is when that eternity will begin and this life end or how it will end. God has said that no one, not even the angels in heaven know when the sun will cease to shine on this Earth again but one day it will...and THAT is where I begin to feel this uneasy, lump in my throat, worry. Every day I think, "Is this the day?" I think, "Should I be preparing for it?" or "What's going to happen to get me from Point A (Earth) to Point B (Heaven)?" I know there are those of you that have this true joy and anticipation to be up there in the presence of God and know that we will forever be free of all sicknesses, sadness, loneliness, hurt, pain, you name it, it will be gone. I know that that is true, deep down I really do know that. I know it will be beautiful beyond what I can even comprehend in my imagination, however, eternity is a hard word to grasp. Why can't I just have that same joy and anticipation and be ok with the fact that when it happens it happens?
You see so much of these post apocalyptic books and movies, TV shows such as Doomsday Preppers or documentaries about the End Times, all of it makes me crazy and to be honest, a little, ok, a lot, freaked out. I can't watch those shows but part of me wants to. Do they know something I don't or is it because am older and have my own family that I just notice this stuff more? Is Satan trying his best to bring me to the dark side? Probably he is. Is it that I can't handle the truth or don't want to know? Ugh, I wish I had the answers to my questions.
See, we have this progression in life. I know that I only have so long to live out my life here on Earth. I am a very happy girl who looks at life through rose colored glasses and likes it that way. I have goals that I want to meet, kids I have to raise, an awesome husband, great family and friends, mile stones to celebrate and the list goes on.... Once in heaven do you have any of that? I don't know, do you? I'm going to venture a guess and say no you don't either. Forever means never ending, EVER! I can not even grasp that. Does feeling this way make me any less of a Christian? Gosh, I certainly hope not, seriously I know it doesn't but I can't even handle the thought of not knowing my family as my family up in heaven. Is that the case? A little part of me feels childish for feeling this way. Another part makes me feels angry that I can't seem to control my thoughts. Maybe you share my fear?
Anyhow, so there you have it, something I bet you didn't know about me. I pray every day to free me from these thoughts and remove this fear and I will continue to do so. It's really all I can do.
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